Relationship Recovery

Anything Worth Doing is Worth Doing Badly...

2011-06-10T12:05:00.000-07:00

Blasphemy right? I know one of the things I remember hearing growing up was the phrase “ If you can’t do something right, then don’t do it at all!”. I don’t remember whether the message came from home or school or everywhere but I certainly learned it. I honestly think this can be one of the least helpful pieces of advice ever, especially for a perfectionist. Who judges when it’s right? This style of thinking can lead us to continually work and be unsatisfied or to never start at all. Don’t get me wrong. Doing our best is an important message to give ourselves and our children, but we have to show up before we can do our best and we also have to know our purpose in our activities. So, just spouting that one should strive for “doing right” isn’t necessarily helpful in our everyday lives.

In this vein, I would love to suggest some summer reading. I recently read “Poser” by Claire Dederer. In this memoir, Dederer writes about her path as a yoga practitioner and her joys and struggles as a Mom. One of the main themes of the book is about the negative effects of perfectionism, and how letting go of always striving to “be good” can be a liberating and enlightening process. Mindfulness practices like yoga are a good place to cultivate acceptance of ourselves and of life just as it really is in the moment.

Certainly as parents we struggle to support our children and do what we feel is right for them. However, we can confuse this with trying to adhere perfectly to parenting philosophies or our own personal mishmash of impossibly high standards. And in fact, our desire to be good for our children can actually hinder us from being present when we are with them or working so hard to create the “right life” that we lose balance.

I believe what our children really need is for us to show up for them. We need to be present and listen. This is actually incredibly challenging and impossible to perfect but luckily all we need to do is try. This is definitely an area where the 12-step slogan of “progress not perfection” applies. So, if you like yoga or are a parent and/or a perfectionist, you will probably identify with “Poser” as I did and feel a sense of relief that someone is telling your story. The idea behind "anything worth doing is worth doing badly" is simple: just show up for your life. Judging our performance or fearing our imperfection only holds us back.

Banish Barriers to Good Communication

2011-01-06T10:37:00.000-08:00

When I am seeing a new couple for a first session, nine times out of ten communication will be high on the list of problems areas they would like to address. There are several good models for communication such as the Imago Dialogue, that give us a new tool box to express ourselves and avoid reactivity and painful patterns in our relationships. Sometimes, learning what not to do is really important as well and often where we can start to identify our obstacles to good communication.

Drs. John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman have been researching what makes couples happy in relationships for many years in their "Love Lab" in Seattle, Washington. They have found what they coined "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" to be common among less satisfied couples.

1) Criticism is a personal attack that focuses on perceived defects. Often these statements include sentences that begin "You always" and " You Never"...

2)Defensiveness is a typical reaction to criticism. Defensiveness is a counter attack or arguing one's innocence. Many couples who are in what Harville Hendrix labels "the Power Struggle" are stuck in defensiveness which stalls out understanding each other.

3) Contempt is the barrier that the Gottmans found to be the strongest predictor of divorce. Contempt ranges from name calling and hurling insults to an extremely harsh tone and facial expression.

4) Stonewalling is crazy-making because in stonewalling we completely shut down the conversation. We become unreceptive and refuse to engage. This is different than taking a time out to self-soothe or calm down and talk later.

So, taking responsibility for the presence of the Four Horsemen in our relationships can shift our dialogue to a new level and break down walls!

Start Where You Are...and seize the opportunity for change

2010-09-22T08:04:00.000-07:00

This was an active summer for my family with a new job for my husband, a big family trip and my one year old son beginning to walk. We have grown a lot as a family and there was little time or energy for writing.

So, I took the summer off from blogging. I am glad to be writing again as I find I have access to more expansive parts of my brain when I write and tend to get less stuck in difficult patterns. In trying to make sense of experience to others, I can make sense of my experience within myself. When I am only talking to myself (we call this self-talk or the inner dialogue), I run the risk of indulging in old habits of negative thinking. For instance, instead of putting energy and space available now into writing, I might scold myself for not putting time into writing sooner, which means I am still not writing.

So, as we learn in social work school, we have to start where we are. I can't start from where I think I should be or where I wish I were but only from right now, right here. Right now is the perfect time for a new response if one can be present and not try to change what is happening or make it better, more right somehow. Bemoaning not being where I want to be or not feeling I deserve time and space I have been afforded destroys the experience and opportunity available in this very moment. This moment is brand new and full of sparkling possibility for growth and peace and joy or sadness, but only if we are not in our heads playing mind games can we notice what is really happening and choose our response rather than simply reacting.

When we are unsure what to do next, we can focus on our breath. We can take ten deep breaths (or even one) and observe the rise and fall of our belly with each inhale and exhale. If in our discomfort we turn habitually to television, the computer, food or some other distraction to change how we feel, we may still be obscuring the opportunity for becoming more conscious in our lives and getting off of automatic pilot mode. Recovery folks talk about doing the next right thing. We have to slow down and become reflective to be able to intuit what is next for us. And if that is not possible, getting support from an empathic friend also helps to clarify our thoughts. Otherwise, we may mindlessly and habitually make our choices by default. However, if we do choose to mindlessly zone out, we can let go of our self-criticism and observe the pattern for more information.

A good question to ask ourselves is : Where is my attention? This is one aspect of our lives we can learn to have more control over or at least awareness. We can give attention to “stinking thinking” and believe what it tells us or we can recognize it for what it is and choose not to listen. Why do we give our thoughts all the power to affect our mood? Because, it's a habit. Like any habit, this way of thinking is ingrained and difficult to change. However, we can always build new habits. Practice is the key. Mindfulness practices such as meditation and yoga illustrate the power of practice. Our brains seem to be able to create new pathways in about 90 days according to recent brain research. Maybe this is why “90 meetings in 90 days" works for alcoholics and addicts who begin attending 12 step meetings. One thing is for certain, if we keep practicing our old habits, we receive the same old results!

Good Enough Parenting Survival Guide

2010-05-16T16:16:00.000-07:00

What is "good enough parenting"? D.W. Winnicott gave us the concept of the "good-enough mother". A good enough mother, he suggested is one who allows enough time and space between a child's demands and meeting them that the child feels secure but also understands they are not omnipotent and that they are separate from others. So, a good enough parent responds appropriately to a child's needs depending on their age and development but is not so perfect in their response that the child learns to expect instant gratification as an adult. What does all this mean? What it means is that being perfect could actually be harmful to your child, so heave a sigh of relief!

None of us are perfect as parents because as humans we cannot meet our own or another's needs perfectly, not even our children who we love so much! We probably come closest to meeting all their needs when they are infants but even then we are not perfect and actually can create more anxiety and problems in our parenting when we are perfectionistic in our parenting style. Good enough parenting calls us to learn to be flexible in our responses to our children and authentic in our relationship with them, as well as accept our own limitations. We need to honor the individuals they are and accept the scary fact that although we are responsible for their care and influence their development, we are not in complete control of who they become.

Parenting is a thrilling and sometimes terrifying journey we have to surrender to and allow to make us grow and move out of our comfort zone. No one can really prepare you and if they told us the truth about how hard it is, we might not even have the courage to begin. However, there is so much joy in the process if we are willing to acknowledge that the reality is so much more complicated than our dreams and fantasies during baby showers and decorating nurseries.
Here are some suggestions I offer from my own learning and others' on the path of the middle way of parenting:

1) Seek support more frequently than advice. Others (including books) will offer well-meaning advice but what we really need is face to face support to alleviate our fears and soothe our transition. Develop friendships that allow the sharing of real experience rather than "how to do it right".

2) Focus on the present moment. Focus on your breath and your sensory experience to allow a full appreciation of your newborn's delicious scent if a new parent or your young child's delightful laugh. If your mind takes you to past mistakes or future concerns, gently bring it back to the present where real life takes place (rather than head games).

3) Try to focus on love rather than fear. Fear takes us away from others. Focus on your connection with your child and give lots of hugs, kisses and kind words. The relationship is the foundation for development and the most important aspect of parenting.

4) Work on communication. Teach your child to express feelings and mirror their feelings back to them. Help them to accept positive and negative feelings are natural, even anger. Help them feel confident conflicts can be managed in a healthy way.

5) Avoid competitive parenting or comparing yourself to others you imagine are perfect parents. Be mindful of your thoughts that may undermine your sense of worth as a parent.

6) Do not forget self-care! Sacrifice is a given in parenting, however, too much self-sacrifice can lead to resentment and poor quality of life. Remember to honor your own needs for nurturing and restoration. This will ultimately improve your parenting.

Remember, the goal is not perfection, the goal is good enough!

Good Grief

2010-04-07T17:20:00.000-07:00

“Good grief” is usually a phrase uttered in frustration. Rarely are the two words used together, because there are so many negative connotations attached to the word grief. Typically we think of grief as a response to death or the loss of a loved one. However, a grief response can be prompted by the loss of anything we are attached to strongly. It is not popular in our culture to welcome our darker emotions and process losses, even in the case of the death of a loved one. I often hear there is an unspoken expectation from others that the worst of grief happens in about a month and that a person will be healed or “moving on” in a year.

What if we find ourselves knee-deep in grief? Grieving individuals are often isolated in the healing process because it seems many of their peers do not relate well to them. Our culture breeds discomfort with death, illness and aging. How often do we deny our own eventual deaths, possibly fantasizing or imagining we might somehow avoid that particular fact of life if we do not think about or acknowledge it? Those of us who have experienced the untimely deaths of loved ones often make others uncomfortable, as feelings or fears about death may be brought to the surface. Some religions teach that we must face the fact of of our own death as well as the impermanence of all things squarely in order to live fully-I agree. However, this is no easy task.

So if we don’t deal with grief well, then how can we possibly allow ourselves time and space to grieve other transitions and experiences of loss? We tend in our culture to either pathologize sadness or humorize universal difficulties. Take for instance, the “mid-life crisis” often joked about when an acquaintance has an affair, gets a divorce, changes their appearance or some other new behavior emerges.

Guess what? We all have crises in our lives. If we choose to drink, smoke, take pills, eat compulsively, or some other avoidant behavior, we miss a powerful opportunity to wake up in our lives and live more meaningfully. That does not mean that we won’t fall apart for a time, especially if the loss is a loved one or a cherished relationship, and we may only be able to slowly allow the emotion its full expression in our hearts and minds.

However, if we can breathe through our feelings and stay present with our bodily/sensory experience and find resources for self-care and healing, we can eventually begin to understand an idea of good grief. Good grief is the kind that washes through our hearts, piercing our defenses and allowing us to inhabit our bodies and our lives more completely. Once our hearts and minds are open and we know our values and priorities better, we can begin to experience life anew. This has been my experience in my own life and though I would never have chosen profound loss as a means for transformation, I undoubtedly have found meaning in my life from the experience and hope to pass on some of what I have learned to others whose hearts have been freshly pierced.

No Pain No Gain?

2010-02-14T03:31:00.000-08:00

I recently observed my 5 month old son working on rolling over, and noticed how he became frustrated after rolling onto his belly and would fuss and protest. However, he would work his way back and forth, furious in his efforts to roll over in the other direction. I had the urge to go to him and roll him over and end his discomfort, however I realized in that moment that he needed to be uncomfortable to get the momentum to learn this new skill and as my husband says "get a new wrinkle in his brain". I resisted the urge until he began to cry and then picked him up and comforted him.

This is my second time around with an infant, so I have learned it is not possible to keep them happy all the time, just as it is not possible or advisable for any human to be happy or comfortable in every moment. All of us must find balance in our responses to the challenges in our lives or we will find ourselves missing opportunities for growth and prolonging our suffering. In recovery circles there is a saying, "Pain is necessary but misery is optional". For me, this relates to the First Noble Truth in Buddhism that teaches suffering is inherent in life. However, in the 3 noble truths that follow, wisdom regarding surrendering our attachments brings freedom from life's ever-changing merry go round of experience and emotions.

In Imago Relationship Therapy, we talk about conflict (which is painful) as a signal that your relationship is trying to grow. It seems that pain is often a catalyst for change in our lives. Why? Maybe because we become attached to ways of being that work or feel good, until...they do not. And we may even cling with all our might if something like being in love or some other mood-altering substance begins to let us down. Why else does the addict have to hit rock-bottom in order to admit defeat? He clings to his old friend, chasing the beginning of their love affair and forgetting all the consequences until a painful moment might become a moment of clarity.

The good news is, if we change our perceptions and our response to life's more difficult moments, we can avoid misery and begin to experience life more fully. We can open ourselves to more joy and peace by becoming present to our pain and discomfort and seeing where we need to grow. Emotional pain and relationship conflict are often signals. Something needs our attention. Maybe we need to work on our reactions to our partner and reflect on why we become so frustrated with a particular situation. Maybe we need to examine why we have little patience for our child in certain moments. Maybe we need better self-care.

This is where self-awareness and working toward conscious relationships is key. In those learning moments, we need to stop and breathe and ask ourselves what needs our attention. Life beckons us to let go of our demands for perpetual happiness and perfect easy love. Real-life love requires us to understand that we will feel the whole spectrum of emotions in relationship and we must be responsible for our communication, our understanding of our reactions and triggers, and be present to receive the joy and the pain. And, we must forgive ourselves for our human nature when we stumble in our efforts, because as our recovery friends have taught us, we strive for progress and not perfection.

Quiet is Magic for Adults

2010-01-26T13:25:00.000-08:00

Mindfulness is a word that is often used but not necessarily well understood or applied in our daily lives. Daniel Siegel, a psychiatrist and leader in the field of mental health writes about how the practice of mindful awareness enhances our physical, social and mental well-being by harnessing specific circuits in the brain. His definition: "Mindfulness in its most general sense is about waking up from life on automatic, and being sensitive to novelty in our everyday experiences. With mindful awareness the flow of energy and information that is our mind enters our conscious attention and we can both appreciate its contents and also come to regulate its flow in a new way."

So, there are different methods for coming to practice or experience mindfulness. We work on mindfulness in meditation, in practicing yoga, in therapy, and ideally in some of our better moments in relationship. Mindfulness is simply focusing our attention on the present moment. Mindfulness is not planning, thinking, arguing with someone in our mind, or mindlessly watching television. In mindfulness we are relaxed but alert. This does not mean that we have to be able to stop all our stray thinking or what some in buddhism refer to as the "monkey mind", but we need to practice observing our mind and learning to use our breath and other tools at our disposal to detach from the chaos in our environments and between our ears.

Mindfulness is subtle. It is not about working hard but slowing down and experiencing spaciousness in our minds. Research is showing that practices focused on mindfulness can be effective in integrating different areas of the brain. I know this to be true because I am the parent of a toddler and an infant, and stepmother to two teenagers. In our home, baby made six. I am very familiar with the chaos of parenthood, and for me a large family came quickly and later in life. I am also someone who knows she needs a certain amount of quiet time. For me, quiet or silence has become a precious commodity. To me, it is as magical as fairies and rainbows are to my daughter who is developing quite an imagination.

I can feel the subtle shift in my mind and in my body after a few minutes of meditation. After a particularly chaotic morning before my sweet husband takes my daughter to school, I can feel the reactivity, or let's face it irritability, start to wash away with deep breathing and I begin to feel I am my best self again. When I discipline myself to do this, rather than using some method to check out or shut down, I feel refreshed and restored. Really, the discipline is minimal because I just need to notice the opportunity of quiet to stop and breathe. It's good medicine for my brain and magic for my soul!

What's Your Story?

2010-01-12T14:08:00.000-08:00

Witnesses at the scene of a crime are notoriously unreliable, interestingly enough. Several different people will remember the same event with very different details. Siblings in the same family can have remarkably dissimilar experiences and accounts of their childhoods. I recently heard an interview with the British comedian Russell Brand, in which he remarked “I am an unreliable witness of my own existence.” Aren’t we all?

If we are the narrator’s of our own lives, then we are in a very real sense creating our own reality. Often in therapy, we work on negative self-talk. That’s the inner dialogue that affects our emotions and sense of self. We acknowledge that our interpretations of events color every aspect of our experience in life. Our stories about others’ behavior can be most impactful in our relationships with our significant others.

One of the most powerful phrases I have learned from Imago Relationship work is the phrase “the story that I told myself when that happened ”. What a freeing moment for both the one speaking and the one listening to acknowledge the different realities two people might be witnessing at any given moment in a relationship. This simple phrase allows me to take responsibility for my own viewpoint as well as show my understanding that my partner is not in on my narrative. He will have his own version.

In relationships, we tend to recycle our stories over and over. Have you ever had the experience of having the same argument over and over with your partner and possibly even the same argument with your previous partner as well? And you might wonder, how do I keep picking the same wrong person over and over again? Well, that might be what’s happening but it could also be that we are seeing or creating the same experience for ourselves repeatedly.

Only when we are willing to acknowledge our story out loud and take responsibility for it, is it possible to open ourselves to our partner’s reality and a potential collective reality as a couple that might be remarkably fresh and connect us in a novel way. How do we achieve this shift? We work on self-awareness, listening, lessening reactivity, and empathy. All of these are parts of a communication style that honors self and other. This sounds simple but it is a huge shift from relying on our automatic “fight or flight” tendencies to using our less instinctual abilities that require more intentional practice.

When we move away from a defensive style of communication in relationships, our stories become more transparent. We can even start to connect the dots from our past and present to understand how we came to see things in such a way and possibly why we choose particular partners. And, guess what? This doesn’t mean we are out of touch with reality or too damaged to have relationships! What it does mean is that we have been unconsciously trying to heal ourselves by recreating a familiar scenario and hoping it will turn out differently. The really good news is that if we work to become more conscious in our relationships, the healing that we desire can become a reality.

If I am not the problem, then there is no solution...

2010-01-03T08:00:00.000-08:00

If I am not the problem, then there is no solution…

Have you ever heard that phrase? Most people in recovery have heard that one. Some people love to repeat it and others hate it to hear it. It seems like it would have a straightforward meaning right? Not really though.

It can mean that any time we have a conflict with someone else, we have a part in what’s gone wrong. This phrase reminds us it is more productive to look at ourselves rather than blame others. This is helpful in all relationships, but especially with our significant others. In Imago Relationship therapy, we say that our frustrations with our partner are only 10 percent about them and 90 percent about us. If it’s my frustration, then I must look at myself to discover why that particular situation bothers me so.

Typically there is a historical basis for a recurring frustration with a partner. This is where our resistance usually comes up! No, you say, he really does come home late and doesn’t even call! Anyone would be frustrated with that, right? Well, maybe. Some people might not notice or they would be happy to have some time to themselves. Others would be frustrated, but their individual story about the frustration would vary. One person would be worried their partner had an accident and this might be based on a prior experience with a loved one. Another would feel unimportant or unloved by their partner and this might be based on growing up with a parent who worked a lot and didn’t spend much time with them. There are endless stories around this frustration depending on your life experience.

We can help ourselves get some relief from painful resentment and frustration by choosing to observe and possibly examine our own reactions rather than jumping to blame and complain. Let’s be honest though, we usually complain or cajole or cry or whatever our particular brand of reaction and then we hit a wall. That’s a great place to be, because conflict is a sign your relationship is trying to grow.

So, the first step might be getting quiet and meditating or just taking 10 deep breaths. Next, you will want to name your fear and try to identify the story you tell yourself when this frustration comes up. What do you really want? What’s the fantasy ideal? How can you connect this present pain with your past? Now, you are ready to dialogue with your partner. It isn’t easy but it is fairly simple.

In recovery there is an adage, “expectations are pre-meditated resentments”. How many times do we have a vision of how something should be and get angry that it doesn’t match our desires? It can be as simple as wanting some quiet time for our morning cup of coffee and our partner sees the morning as a time to start a project. And how many times have we complained about that particular project not getting done? So, who is the problem in this situation? Well, we can only control ourselves right? So, find a quiet room to lock yourself in and keep your mouth shut on this one.

12/31/09 Begin the Beginning

2009-12-31T08:42:00.000-08:00

So, I am surprising myself by beginning a blog. I am a private and somewhat shy person so it is difficult for me to let people into my private life and thoughts, but it came to me while meditating that I might have something to say that a group of individuals I might describe later could relate to and appreciate.

So, for those in recovery we talk about relying on a higher power. What is my higher power? I think my higher power is most simply “the sunlight of the spirit”. Bill W. wrote about ways alcoholics could cut themselves off from the sunlight of the spirit.

I was thinking this morning about my desire to live a more balanced life and it seems this occurs when one is living in the sunlight of the spirit (or whatever language one might insert here). In Imago Relationship therapy we might call this consciousness. What cuts me off from that spirit? In Imago therapy we would talk about historical reactivity. In recovery we talk about character defects. In psychology, defense mechanisms. When do these obstacles occur? When we are triggered by life: people, places and things.

When life is difficult and we feel threatened or unsafe, such as when my husband speaks in a certain tone of voice that makes me bristle, I react from a “fighting” place unless I am conscious enough to make the historical connection and stay with my feelings. After a pause and some deep breathing, I need to articulate my experience from a dialogical place which will lessen my reactivity (and his), help me feel more connected with my partner and help to transform difficult feelings (and over time long-standing wounds) . In recovery, this would be noticing old behavior or character defects and using the tools to behave differently.

So, I would like to make a commitment to myself to practice what I know will keep me connected to the sunlight of the spirit. Practices like yoga, connecting with my support group, and making time in my primary relationship for authentic communication all help me to be more mindful in my life. I was thinking more about organizing my daughter’s toys and getting rid of things we don’t need when I began thinking about balance for the New Year, but as usual I do not know where consciousness will take me once intention becomes practice.